im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
