So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
