I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
