I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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