I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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