forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
