u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
