Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
