OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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