she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You took a bar mat shot.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
