Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
