I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
