i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
