Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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