I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
