I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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