he puts the penis in happiness.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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