and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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