Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
