What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
