I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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