and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
