Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
