in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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