how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i can't believe i had my finger in that
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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