Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize