I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
