Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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