she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
