3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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