he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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