hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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