I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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