im six kinds of drunk right now
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So vagazzling was a success
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
