I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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