just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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