You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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