oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
