dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So much rum. So many feels.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
