I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
