I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
