a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
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