Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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