he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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