i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
