What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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