Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
