Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
