and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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