I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
