she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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