Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
