There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Randomize
