just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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