So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
