Need sex. Gaining weight.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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