I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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