I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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